MACHINE WASH, TUMBLE DRY
by Heartwings
Summary: An very tongue in cheek JC story where Janeway and Chakotay both have to pay the price for their petty thievery.


Disclaimer: "Everything Star Trek belongs to us" - Paramount

"How do we know he didn't invent the thing?" Scotty- ST IV

NFS: Machine Wash, Tumble Dry - J/C - 7602 words

Author: Heartwings - R for language, raunchy sexual humor and some sorta smutty stuff!

This story was written to make me laugh and, hopefully, to make you laugh as well, so take your credibility filters offline, put your tongue in your cheek (No, not there, Chakotay, you horny little devil!!!) and read on!

This story is dedicated to Paramount, who invented Janeway and Chakotay, to Kate Mulgrew and Robert Beltran, who gave them life for seven years and to all the fans out there that will keep them living forever.

Note to the grammar police: I have taken liberties, live with them, I am menopausal, armed and dangerous.

MACHINE WASH, TUMBLE DRY

After two hellacious weeks of nearly constant problems with everything from annoying aliens who hated trespassers to a major epidemic of some sort of gastrointestinal virus that spawned the toilets backing up, life on Voyager had returned to a state of something that resembled normal starship life. With so many of the crew unable to be more than three meters from the bathroom in the last two weeks, everyone who wasn't ill had to work what seemed like non-ending shifts and pitch in wherever able. Of course Chakotay didn't mind this and he was certainly glad that he hadn't fallen victim to the virus, nicknamed the "Delta Quadrant Quickstep" (as opposed to the usual "Talaxian Trot" or "Neelix's Revenge"), but he was glad to be able to enjoy some down time and catch up with those chores that had gone neglected as of late.

On second thought, they could wait, a long shower, a cup of tea and a good book seemed like just the thing. Kathryn had been suggesting that he read Remembrance of Things Past for ages, but he had always put it off as he didn't want to start a 3200 page book and not have the time to finish it. The next couple of weeks promised to be uneventful, so now was the perfect time to undertake such a project. Chakotay went next door to borrow the book and see if Kathryn might be up for one of their intimate little dinners later. They had been so busy they hadn't had time to see one another for anything other than ship's business lately and he really missed her.

As he entered her quarters, Chakotay stood and could not believe his eyes, he had never seen anything like the sight that met him, no, assaulted him. Living with Kathryn on New Earth had shown him that, while she was the loveliest woman in the galaxy, his dear Kathryn was, shall we say, not exactly blessed with any domestic skills. Unfortunately one of the first luxuries to go on Voyager was that wonderful little perk that senior officers enjoy so much: Ship's Services, who had all been reassigned to other more vital duties. Ship's Services were a staff of extremely well organized, highly efficient and persistently cheerful crewman whose only purpose in life was to attend to the more mundane domestic needs of the senior officers. Nobody missed them more than Kathryn!

Her quarters were always in a state of disarray, even when she expected company, but today she had reached the pinnacle of domestic chaos. It seemed incredible that a woman who could run a starship with such efficiency couldn't run a vacuum cleaner or command a dust rag, but such was the case. Her usual array of abandoned half finished coffee cups had increased by tenfold and were perched on every horizontal surface, well, every surface that was not covered by PADDs, discarded clothing and the general detritus of her domestic ineptitude. Something crunched under his feet, could be potting soil, could be burnt toast, he wasn't sure. He kicked a nearby shirt over it to cover it, but that only served to reveal a plate of half eaten food, sporting a layer of blue mold, that had been buried under the shirt. As he picked up the plate, Kathryn emerged from her bedroom.

"Ah, you dear thing, you brought me something to eat! I'm famished!" she said as she seized the plate and rummaged through the cushions on the couch for a fork.

"There it is!" shouted Kathryn as she fished out a pip and stuck it on her collar, "If I hadn't found this I would have had to demote myself. Exactly what is this, Chakotay? It looks like something Neelix fixed last week, only it smells better."

"It probably is something Neelix fixed last week, I found it on the floor under a shirt. You might want to reconsider eating it, Kathryn."

"Oh, yeah, right, I thought it looked familiar. Sorry about that, I just tidied up, but I guess I missed that. To what do I owe the pleasure of your visit? You're surely not here to comment upon my housekeeping skills, knowing that such comments directly correlate to how much time one spends on gamma shift." said Kathryn as she gave him that look that could scare the piss out of a Borg.

"Uh…..no, wouldn't dream of it! Actually I wanted to ask if I could borrow your copy of Remembrance of Things Past as I think I finally have time to read it and to ask if you would like to join me for dinner in my quarters tonight? I managed to get Neelix to give up some fresh vegetables and I want to try a Bajoran recipe that looks interesting, I promise that it won't be fuzzy……or blue. Stop by at 1900 hours, no, make that 2000 hours, I need time to get my laundry done. As long as I am going, do you want me to maybe do some of your laundry too?"

"Don't be silly, dearie, I can do my laundry myself, I am not helpless you know! I'll see you at 2000 hours and I'll bring a special bottle of wine that I've been keeping hidden somewhere around here, if I can find it by then. The book is on the shelf behind my desk, just root around, it's huge so you won't have any trouble finding it." said Kathryn as she started to crawl around to look for a pair of socks.

Chakotay moved a pile of dirty towels and a dead potted plant off the top of the shelf, which caused an avalanche of PADDs to fall onto his feet. He started to pick them up, but thought better of it and just kicked them under the desk, where they were greeted by a large family of dust bunnies. He spied the book and grabbed it from the stack, but along with it came a green sock, a large stuffed Flotter doll and a very lacy wisp of a red bra. Kathryn was still crawling around looking for socks, so he took a moment to enjoy the tingling sensation that the bra was giving him as he imagined how Kathryn would look in it. He had seen her in Starfleet underwear, but never in anything as delicious as that little red bra. While she looked pretty damn amazing in her regulation skivvies, Starfleet female underwear had undoubtedly been designed by the same guy that designed the bulkheads in Engineering; it was gray, utilitarian, probably impervious to conventional weapons fire and did little to inspire any fantasies. His reveries were all too soon interrupted and he quickly held the Flotter doll in front of his crotch to hide the fruits of his imagination as Kathryn grabbed the sock and the bra away from him.

"Gimme those, two socks make a pair regardless of color and I will thank you not to stand there fondling a bra, you pervert!……or was it Naomi's Flotter you were getting off on? I don't even know where that silly red thing came from, it certainly isn't mine, it must have gotten mixed in with my laundry! Speaking of laundry, I'm taking a load down to the laundry room now and then I need to get to the mess hall to placate Neelix, something about a shortage of coffee cups, no doubt he just misplaced them." said Kathryn as she finished putting on her boots over her mismatched socks, launched the bra through her bedroom door, grabbed her laundry bag and shuffled out of her quarters with the grace of a horta.

"Damn, busted ……and all I'm left with is a massive hard on and nobody to share it with but Flotter! Like hell that wasn't her bra, she was just embarrassed that I know she has something so decadent and sexy that even a Dabo girl wouldn't be caught dead in it!"

Chakotay peered into Kathryn's bedroom to look for that delectable little bra, but it was even more of a disaster area than the living room and even Tuvok on amphetamines couldn't could find it in less than an hour. Besides, the suggestion of sharing an intimate moment with Flotter had pretty much ruined the mood, Kathryn in the red bra was one thing, but that annoying little androgynous blue twit Flotter was quite another! Although he felt compelled to stay and make a dent in his beloved's version of domestic tranquility, he knew Voyager would reach the Alpha Quadrant long before it would pass muster and he had things to do.

Chakotay returned to his quarters and took yet another cold shower, dressed, grabbed his laundry bag and headed down the corridor to the officer's laundry room. As usual, all the machines were full of clothes, so he put his bag down and removed the clothing from one machine that had finished and set it on the counter. Being the compulsively neat and tidy person that he was, rather than leave it piled up there to get rumpled, he proceeded to neatly fold it………some red and black uniforms, obviously female judging by the petite size, gray pullovers, some towels, lots of gray socks and, balled up in a towel, was a pair of red panties! The panties were scandalously tiny and of the same delicious red lace as the bra, oh yes!, this was Kathryn's laundry; the little minx had lied! Chakotay started to swell as he caressed the panties, oh those delightful sinful little panties that had been lucky enough to have been just where he wanted to be! As he held them to his cheek his fluff and fold fantasy was interrupted by Tuvok's entrance. Chakotay quickly shoved the panties into his pocket, sure that Tuvok hadn't seen them, hurriedly put his clothes into the machine and left.

Once he had retuned to the sanctity of his quarters he settled down on the sofa and lost himself in the pages of Proust for most of the afternoon. As he rolled onto his right hip to get more comfortable he felt a lump, and realized it was the pair of panties he'd hidden in his pocket, damn that Tuvok. He took them out and held them up, trying to imagine Kathryn in them, or, better yet, wiggling out of them, but he caught himself before his imagination ran rampant enough to send him to the showers again. He realized that he had forgotten his own laundry and that he had better put the panties back with Kathryn's as she'd miss them and know exactly where to look for them after she'd caught him with the bra. On the other hand, she had obviously lied to him about the bra, so how likely would she be to demand the return of panties that matched a bra she claimed was not hers? Better safe than sorry and he certainly didn't intend to steal them, so he stuffed them into his pocket again and set off to reclaim his laundry and replace the panties. The laundry room was empty, so he rushed in to tuck the purloined panties into her laundry, but it was gone! What to do now? He gathered up his laundry and returned to his quarters as time had gotten away from him and he had to start preparations for dinner.

As he sliced and diced, he tried to come up with a plan of action to clandestinely return the panties. Kathryn hardly ever put anything away, so he was all but assured that she had merely dumped the laundry somewhere and would not have noticed yet that they were missing. All he had to do was let himself into her quarters while she was away and just toss them in with the mess and she would eventually find them and think that they had been lost and not stolen. This plan seemed simple enough, but where to hide the panties until he could return them? He slid them under his pillow, but that wouldn't do just in case he finally had all his dreams come true and Kathryn's head ended up on it later this evening. It was 2000 hours, time to think fast and thank goodness she was habitually late. He slipped them into the back of his underwear drawer and went to light the candles- no, that wouldn't do, if she had already missed them that's the first place she would look and she'd have no problem ordering him to do some inane task so she could be alone in his quarters, she had the upper hand, damn those four pips! He again absent mindedly started to finger the crimson lace when the door chime sounded- shit! Chakotay quickly ran into his bedroom and stuffed them into his boot and shut the closet door, they would be safe there.

"Oh, that smells just wonderful, Chakotay and here's that bottle of wine I promised, was behind the vacuum cleaner the whole time, don't you know it." said Kathryn as she started picking at some cheese and crackers on the coffee table.

No wonder she couldn't find it, Chakotay thought! He looked at the label on the dusty bottle, it was Château Picard, a real Earth wine, that she had obviously been saving ever since Voyager left the Alpha Quadrant. If she had decided to give that special bottle of wine up tonight, he wondered if she had also decided to give up something else……mmmmm…….or was it just that she hadn't vacuumed since Voyager was in the Alpha Quadrant? He looked at her and she looked just wonderful, how was it such perfection in personal grooming could come from such chaos? She was wearing her peach dress, not his favorite, but the scoop neckline sometimes afforded a good view, good enough to see if she had on that red bra! He brought her a glass of wine and sat down next to her on the couch, but she jumped up immediately and went to the table, announcing that she was famished.

They enjoyed a leisurely dinner and discussed Proust, plans for Naomi's birthday party and exchanged the latest in mess hall gossip. The mood was warm and friendly and it was so good to spend time with Kathryn, regardless of where the rest of the evening would go. They adjourned to the couch for dessert and coffee and Kathryn had that slightly silly carefree mood that a couple glasses of real alcohol gave her, so Chakotay decided it was time to satisfy his curiosity and see if she was indeed wearing the divine red bra. As she leaned forward to pick up her coffee, he rubbed his hand on her back, ostensibly to remove some lint, and confirmed that, yes, she was definitely wearing a bra. So far so good. He knew her, he knew her so well and what a frightfully wicked mischievous side she had, and he knew she would wear that bra just to secretly thumb her nose at him, but that she would really squirm if he caught her. On the other hand, maybe the wine was significant that this was to be a special evening and, having seen what the bra had done to him earlier and, hopefully been impressed by it, she had worn it and intended to let it work its magic again, not that she would have needed any sexy lingerie to motivate him. He put his arm around her the next time she picked up her coffee and she settled back into it as he caressed her shoulder. Chakotay decided to go in for the kill and began to slip the dress off of her shoulder enough to see what color the bra strap was. As he did the door chime sounded and she bolted up to sit at a respectable distance as Chakotay admitted his unwanted visitor.

"Good evening Captain, Commander" bid Tuvok as he entered the room. "I have a report on those issues that you asked me to look into, however if this is an inopportune moment, I can speak with you in the morning."

"Oh, no, not at all, Tuvok, please sit down." invited Kathryn "Would you care for some tea?"

"Yes, Captain, that would be most welcome." replied Tuvok. Chakotay rose to go get Tuvok some tea, a three way with a Vulcan was not what he was hoping for this evening!

"Captain, as you know, Mr. Neelix is most distraught at the quantity of coffee cups, dishes, glass wear, eating utensils and trays that are missing from the mess hall. Apparently he considers it a personal insult that anyone would take things without returning them and he deems it an inefficiency on my part that these items were stolen in the first place. As Chief of Security it is technically my responsibility to investigate all thefts on the ship, so I have instituted a ship wide search for the missing items and will painstakingly document in whose possession they were found so that the perpetrators may be referred for your disciplinary action. My staff has started on the lower decks and is working their way up, but so far they have found less than a dozen of the missing items, which still leaves 147 items unaccounted for. Please rest assured that my department will not stop until every last item is found and we will take measures to insure that no future thefts take place. While we are on the subject of thefts and irregularities, I feel compelled to report an incident………."

"Oh, my look at the time!" interrupted Kathryn, "It seems I have at least a dozen reports to get finished and, while I appreciate your diligence, I am sure this can wait until morning, can't it, Tuvok? Which deck is your security team on now, I might want to um……monitor their progress?"

"They are currently on deck six, but they are working most efficiently as I am supervising them personally, so please rest assured that every single item will be recovered and documented promptly."

"Yes, I know I can be damn sure of that! Thank you so much for dinner, Chakotay, I will see you in the morning" said Kathryn as she flew out of his quarters at warp speed. Tuvok exited behind her and Chakotay let out a sigh. He cleaned up the dinner dishes, disappointed that he hadn't been able to find out if Kathryn was wearing the bra of bliss, and he settled into his bed to plan how to get those damn panties out of his quarters. He knew Kathryn would be in her quarters the rest of the night, so it would have to wait until tomorrow and he would surely come up with a plan by then. Unfortunately the wine took its toll and Chakotay soon fell fast asleep.

Kathryn blew into her quarters, tore the top sheet off the bed, spread it out on the floor and proceeded to start filling it with all of those cups, plates and so on that she had "borrowed" from the mess hall. Her policy had always been that regulations applied to everyone equally and she knew that Tuvok would surely not make an exception in her case nor would she ask him to make one and her quarters would also be searched. She also knew that Tuvok would never suspect that she, Starfleet Captain Kathryn Janeway, would ever do anything as blatantly against regulations as to steal…..well, fooling a Vulcan obviously isn't all that hard. As for finding every single item that she had to dispose of, well, that would prove difficult. There were plates under things and in drawers, forks being used as paper clips, and coffee cups, oh those damn coffee cups were in, on and under every possible surface. She threw the contents of the closets and every drawer and cabinet onto the floor and sifted through it, she would leave no stone unturned! Her fervor was interrupted by a hail from Harry Kim on the bridge.

"Captain, sorry to disturb you at this late hour, but long range sensors are showing three Borg cubes off the port bow. They are traveling at warp speed, but I don't think they have spotted us yet."

"Thank you, Mr. Kim, sound a red alert, I'm on my way. Janeway out"

Kathryn and Chakotay arrived at the turbo lift at the same time. She had just thrown her uniform jacket on over her dress, but he had managed to pull on his pants, socks and shirt and grab his jacket and boots and run out the door. In the turbo lift he slipped his jacket on, pulled on his left boot and then started on the right, but it would not go all the way on. Oh holy shit, those damn panties were in it! He tugged and tugged, but he could not get his foot to go all the way into it. As the turbo lift doors opened, he hobbled to his seat on the bridge.

Fortunately the Borg had no interest in Voyager this time and, after some tense moments, the ship stood down from the red alert and Janeway and Chakotay boarded the turbo lift to return to quarters. As they walked down the corridor Janeway noticed that Chakotay had a pronounced limp as he still had been unable to jam his foot all the way down into the boot and she asked him what the problem was.

"Oh, it's nothing, Kathryn, I think my foot must be swelled a bit, I uh……er….well, I must have stubbed my toe rushing to get dressed, that's all, it's really nothing."

"As badly as you're limping, you had better let me take a look at it, it might be something that the doctor should have a look at. Sit down and let me pull your boot off!"

"Oh no! No! No! It's really nothing, just a cramp I'm sure, maybe a spasm or a blister or a…… uh ….. a bad sock. I promise I will go to sick bay if it isn't better in the morning." Dancing as fast as he could, Chakotay had an inspiration and knew it was time to start leading this dance and to dip Kathryn. "Oh, or could it be that your have a kinky foot fetish and you just want to get into my boots and work your way up?" asked Chakotay as he worked his dimples to the max, which he knew drove her crazy.

"Well, really, Commander! Why don't you go soak your foot and, while you're at it, stick your head in the bucket too, you're such a friggin' pervert you know!" With that Kathryn stormed off into her quarters in a huff. If there was one thing Chakotay knew, it was that the best weapon to use to disarm Kathryn Janeway was Kathryn Janeway. Any reference to all those yummy things that she had in her head that she would like to do to him, and he knew she had them, would instantly shut her down faster than a dampening field and send her scurrying for cover. Mission accomplished!

Chakotay returned to his quarters and slipped off the boot, his foot really did hurt now. He stripped off his clothes and hung them up and set the boots in the closet and took out the panties and laid on the bed. "Damn, these are so small that I bet her cheeks would hang out of them and boy would I like to see that!" His fantasies once again turned to Kathryn in the red lace and he began stroking himself. Suddenly he bolted up in the bed and realized that, once and for all, he had to get rid of those damn panties before they caused him any more trouble. He took a cold shower and slipped on his robe and went to Kathryn's door to listen. If all were quiet and she were asleep, he could just let himself in, toss them into the mess and be out in under ten seconds; she would be no wiser and he would forever be off the hook. Unfortunately he heard a crash followed by considerable swearing, so he knew she was still up and working on keeping her cute little ass out of the brig. Damn! On to plan B, whatever the hell that was. He was Starfleet and the Maquis' finest, how was it that a man with all that training, intelligence, cunning and experience was not able to get rid of a little pair of panties? Chakotay began to return to his quarters when he had an inspiration, it was so simple, yes, so blissfully simple! He went to the laundry room, deserted at this time of night, opened the machine that Kathryn's laundry had been in, which was thankfully empty, and tossed the panties in. Someone would find them, anyone but him, or maybe she would do the logical thing and look there herself to see if they had been left behind as small bits of clothing often are, oh, life was good! Chakotay returned to his quarters, thought about the panties being back on their rightful tight little ass again and drifted off to sleep once he had assured that he would have to put clean sheets on the bed in the morning.

Kathryn worked at a frantic pace, hurling dirty laundry, books and PADDs here and there as she searched for kitchen contraband. Her efforts slowed as she thought about Chakotay, hoping that his foot was really OK. He had big feet, that was supposed to mean, oh, damn, what that man did to her! Her search turned up things she hadn't seen in years and some things she'd have sworn she had never seen before, who knew she had a blender?

When she had finished she had an amazing pile amassed on the sheet, but what to do with it? She gathered the edges of the sheet and realized that she could never lift it, it probably weighed more than she did, she could only manage to drag it. The best thing to do would, of course, be to return it to the mess hall, which would be unoccupied and no doubt now locked this time of night, but it was much too risky to drag the bundle that far and her override of the lock would appear in Tuvok's security log. My heavens, if anyone saw her they would think it was a body and immediately run to see if Tom Paris was missing considering how many death threats she had made against him. She could wake Chakotay and ask him to help her as he obviously knew what she was up to and would keep her secret, but it wasn't right to involve him in technically very illegal activity and she alone should pay the price for her indiscretions. A site to site transport was also out of the question as that too would show up in the ship's logs and nail her. Too bad there wasn't a convenient airlock to toss them out of, at this point that seemed like a viable alternative. The security team couldn't be far off, she had to do something and do it now. With no way to return or dispose of the bundle, the next best thing seemed to be to place it in a common area of the ship, where it would be discovered, but it would forever remain unknown who had placed it there and certainly nobody would suspect her of being the perpetrator. Kathryn looked out into the corridor and it was deserted, so she started off towards the laundry room, the nearest common space, dragging her albatross behind her. She tried to stuff the bundle into the closet, but it would not fit. She couldn't just leave it sitting there and she needed her sheet back as it had her telltale KEJ monogram on it, so she began stuffing the mess into the only empty laundry machine. Thank heavens, it all fit, so she slammed the door shut, grabbed her sheet and strutted off to her cabin, swearing to never ever remove so much as a toothpick from Neelix's mess hall again Her only regret was that she could not be there to see the expression on Tuvok's face when he found the cache in such an odd (but clever) location.

The next morning came way too soon and she joined Chakotay in the mess hall for breakfast. She looked like hell and she knew it, but she hoped he would be civil enough not to say anything. He looked like he had just stepped off of cloud nine and swallowed the Cheshire Cat, how the hell could anyone be so fucking cheerful before they had had a cup of coffee?

"Morning." she grumbled as she mushed around what might have once been eggs and sucked down her coffee.

"Good morning, Kathryn! Did you sleep well?"

"Ugh." was all that Kathryn could muster, now aware that the son of a bitch was going to rub her nose in her little indiscretion for the rest of her life.

"Is that a new lipstick that you're wearing? It looks lovely, red really is your color, you know!" beamed Chakotay, now knowing that he had the upper hand in all matters Kathryn. "Well, it's time to get up to the bridge, are you coming?"

Janeway dragged herself up from the table, grabbed her coffee and headed out the door trailing behind Chakotay. All at once an ear piercing alarm that made a red alert klaxon sound like a whisper went off and she jumped at least a meter, dropping her coffee cup and spilling coffee all over her pants. Neelix came running, slammed her face first up against the bulkhead, kicked her feet apart and screamed "Spread 'em you scum bag!"

She was so taken aback that she had no choice but to comply as two armed security personnel raced towards her. As Neelix relaxed his grip, she turned to face him and was not sure who had the redder face, her or the Talaxian version of a storm trooper.

"Oh, my, Captain, I'm so sorry, I didn't realize it was you!" blushed Neelix.

"She looks dangerous, would you like me to frisk her?" asked Chakotay, who was enjoying this almost as much as he would enjoy frisking her. "You never know, she might have a fork hidden in her bra."

"Oh, no, Commander", stammered Neelix, "I'm………I am sure that won't be necessary. I'm so sorry about this, Captain, but in view of all the recent thefts I took the liberty of tagging all mess hall property and installing a security sensor in the doorway, so that if anyone tried to take anything, well, I would be alerted. Since I am sure you check your messages first thing every morning and have read my detailed report on the project, you were no doubt just………er…. well……… ah, yes, you were…….. testing, yes, testing my new security system, yes, that's it!"

Well, thank goodness, Voyager's most notorious thief had at least one ally on the ship who would help her out of a pinch rather than try to shove her face in it. "Yes, Mr. Neelix, I can see that your new security system works quite well and I will be sure to reiterate to the crew that mess hall property is NOT to be removed from the mess hall under any circumstances. I am sure we will all now sleep soundly knowing that Starfleet property is being vigilantly protected by your capable hands."

With that Kathryn, accompanied by Chakotay, turned and regally floated down the corridor towards the turbo lift with her head held high and the air of dignity befitting a Starfleet captain restored, confident in the knowledge that she had at least one true friend on the ship. As the doors closed she slumped in relief and Chakotay moved to take her into his arms as she certainly must need a hug right about now. She did and she settled right in, tight against his chest.

"You enjoyed that, didn't you?" she whispered into his ear.

"Yes, but not as much as I would have if Neelix had let me frisk you." replied Chakotay as he started to pat down her well rounded rear.

With that, Kathryn broke his hold and shoved him back into the turbo lift wall with a force surprisingly strong for such a tiny woman and grinned as she shook her finger at him and warned "Keep your hands off my ass, Mister, I got a fork and I know how to use it!"

As they exited the turbo lift onto the bridge, he reached out and gently pinched her butt and she shot him a four tined look that quickly melted into a crooked smile. He settled into his chair and she retreated into her ready room, confident that all was well with the world. She began sifting through the messages that would have saved her from a lot of grief if she had read them earlier, until she was interrupted by Tuvok's voice.

"Captain, would you please join me in my office? I have concluded my search and investigation regarding the items stolen from the mess hall and would like to make my report to you." The shit was about to hit the fan, but at least it wouldn't land on her.

"Yes, Tuvok, I am on my way, Janeway out."

Thinking better of adding any fuel to Chakotay's ass pinching little libidinous fire, she told him that he had the bridge as she had spilled some coffee on her pants and was going to her quarters to change. There was no sense in telling him where she was really going as he would undoubtedly find a way to go too so he could watch her squirm- literally or figuratively, oh how Chakotay loved to see her squirm! As she approached Tuvok's office, Janeway tried to compose herself and muster all her thespian skills so that she could pull off a convincing act in front of a man who took himself way too seriously. Besides, fooling a Vulcan wasn't that hard, she'd just done it yesterday and now, she giggled to herself, she was about to give an Academy Award winning performance.

Tuvok's report was painstakingly thorough as he droned on and on about finding a tea cup in Crewman Ladrón's bathroom, a spoon wedged under a cushion in the deck six rec room and so on. She listened with mock intensity, knowing that the worst was yet to come. Where were those damn Borg when you needed them? She again shifted in her seat….. a red alert, life support systems failure, warp core breach, something!

"……….next I proceeded to the senior officer's deck………", Kathryn started to noticeably squirm in her seat as Tuvok got to that point, "where I proceeded to search Ensign Kim's quarters, which of course turned up nothing…..Captain, is there something wrong with your chair?"

"Oh nothing, just …um…..hemorrhoids, do go on" said Kathryn.

"As I was saying,………" Tuvok droned on and on, Kathryn was now beginning to realize that confessing her crime and spending a month cleaning out the exhaust manifolds at B'Elanna's beck and call would have been preferable to this, "…….when I searched the officer's laundry room, I found this:" said Tuvok as his assistant came in with an antigrav cart loaded with Neelix's treasures that looked all too familiar.

"Oh, my, where did you say you found all that?"

"It was hidden inside one of the laundry machines. There are 126 items, all matching Mr. Neelix's inventory of the missing supplies, however it is absolutely inconceivable that any one person would have accumulated so many items in their quarters, so I must conclude that there was some sort of clandestine operation among the crew to gather all the stolen items and deposit them in one central location, however I have questioned a number of crew and none of them admit to any knowledge of any such plot. Unfortunately, since the items were all deposited in a location that anyone could have had access to, I have no means to determine the identity of any of the perpetrators. Actually, I must correct my report, there were in fact 127 items found in the machine as I also found something inside one of the coffee cups. I am not certain, but I believe it is some sort of accouterment used by Human females in the mating ritual." said Tuvok as he delicately held up a pair of lacy red panties enclosed in an evidence bag. "If you wish, I can take them to the lab and have a DNA analysis run, which would potentially serve to ascertain the owner of the……um…..item."

It figures, only a species that gets the urge to mate only once every seven years would not know a pair of panties when he sees one! "Oh, no, Mr. Tuvok, I don't think that will be necessary." said Kathryn as she grabbed the bag off of Tuvok's desk and quickly slipped it into her pocket. "I am sure these are coincidental and were just left in the machine by mistake, I will see that they are retuned to their rightful owner. I would like to thank you for your most thorough investigation into this matter, I am sure that Mr. Neelix thanks you and your staff as well and that we will have no further problems of this nature. I need to get back to the bridge, so if you have nothing else…." said Kathryn as she started to leave.

"Actually there is more, Captain." Oh, shit, how could there possibly be more? "I regret to inform you, but, despite what I assure you was a most thorough search, we were unable to recover one item."

"And what would that be?"

"A fork."

"Well, I wouldn't worry about that! As I was saying, I really need to get back to the bridge, Tuvok, and thank you again."

Janeway returned to the bridge and again hid away in her ready room, glad she had dodged the Vulcan inquisition. She engaged the privacy lock, ordered up a double expresso from the replicator and removed the panties from her pocket and tore open the plastic evidence bag. As the air was released from it, her nose was bombarded with a very familiar smell, the unmistakable and unforgettable scent of Chakotay's cologne. She had looked all over for those panties yesterday, wanting to wear them with the matching bra. When she found them they were stuck in a bowl of half eaten pudding so she was sure she had put them in with her laundry and she knew he had done his as well and who else but Chakotay would have so lovingly and carefully folded her clothes? The pieces were all beginning to fall into place now!

Kathryn blew through the bridge, tossing Chakotay a PADD that contained a dinner invitation for 2000 hours and stated with a tone of authority that not even a Kazon Maj would question that she would be working from her quarters for the rest of the day and did not wish to be disturbed for anything short of a red alert.

She entered her quarters and attacked them with a caffeine powered furor unknown in any quadrant of space, the 23rd century equivalent of Martha Stewart on speed was not to be denied. She tossed everything into the center of the room and started cleaning, yes cleaning! Shelves were wiped down, pictures straightened and furniture put back into its proper place. The desk top had to be scraped before it was scrubbed, but it eventually revealed a sparkling shiny surface The view ports were washed, finally allowing her to view the stars as they sped past. She sorted through the pile with slipstream speed: dirty laundry bagged and neatly stowed in the proper place, trash thrown into the refuse chute, clean laundry put away, clothes hung up, socks chromatically alphabetized and stowed, books neatly sorted and shelved and PADDs all put away, shoes in the closet and her collection of coffee pots thoroughly dusted and neatly arranged. The potted plants were a lost cause, into the refuse they went. The bathroom was scrubbed from stem to stern and it positively glowed! The bed was made with some difficulty as she hadn't really done that since the academy, but it was as neat and tidy as any cadet's on inspection day. It was time for the final touch, the dreaded vacuum cleaner. Truth be known, it had not seen action since the Alpha Quadrant, but Kathryn was not about to let that stop her from fulfilling her mission. She turned it on and it emitted a squeal like a Ferengi being tortured, but it did not work and allowed the dust bunnies to firmly stand their ground. Well, this damn Hoover Craft was not about to stop Kathryn Elizabeth Janeway, so she threw it on its side and started tinkering around with the mechanics. Lo and behold, the problem was found, Starfleet had not wasted all that money educating her, and she extracted a mess hall fork from the mechanism. She smiled as she thought how long and hard poor Tuvok probably looked for that, but time was short so she started vacuuming and had those dust bunnies all tamed and trussed in no time and stowed the vacuum back in the closet. She programmed the replicator, using up her entire week's worth of rations at one time, but she wanted this dinner to be spectacular. With only minutes to spare, she quickly showered and dressed and had time to light the candles just as the door chimed, 2000 hours exactly, the Tholians could set their chronometers to Chakotay's punctuality.

Chakotay entered with a bottle of wine in hand, but he nearly dropped it as he stopped dead in his tracks. He looked right, he looked left, he looked up, he looked down, he sniffed, but he could not believe what he saw. If he'd had a tricorder with him, he would have whipped it out to scan for aliens, could this possibly be Kathryn's quarters?

"Well?" she asked as she stepped out from her bedroom and walked up to him, looking positively stunning in a slinky little red dress.

"Kathryn, I'm stunned, this is positively amazing! You did all this in one afternoon? I'm impressed, I'm really impressed and may I say that you look particularly delicious in that red dress." He learned in to kiss her, but she slid away from his lips and walked towards the table.

"Now now, you did say that red was my color, didn't you? Come, let's eat this before it gets cold, I hope you like it, it's replicated, but I knew that was safer than trying to cook. I'm famished, I discovered that cleaning really makes me work up an appetite."

The meal was wonderful and they lingered over it as Kathryn related the details of her meeting with Tuvok and they both had a good laugh over it. The candles burned down and the bottle of wine gave up its last drops. Kathryn got up and went in the galley to get two coffees and asked Chakotay to take them over to the couch and wait there while she put the finishing touches on dessert.

"Hurry up, Kathryn, your coffee is getting cold. What's taking you so long in there, just what are we having for dessert anyhow?"

"Patience my dear, patience, you don't know what I went through for this dessert! You just sit there and I'll be right in." said Kathryn.

Having no choice, Chakotay settled back and eagerly waited while sipping his coffee. Finally Kathryn emerged from the galley and sat a slice of cherry pie with ice cream on top down on the coffee table and just stood there. "I hope you like this, I call it Maquis a la mode"

"Maquis a la mode, don't you mean cherry pie a la mode, Kathryn?"

"Well, it depends on where you put the ice cream I guess!" she purred.

"Mmmmm…..I see! How do you expect me to eat this? You didn't bring me a fork."

"Oh yes I did, sweetie." and with that Kathryn slipped off her red dress and let it fall to the floor, revealing the scanty red lace bra and panties and, there, neatly tucked between her breasts, was a fork.

THE END


End file.
